Maybe I am ‘lucky’, but I also expect equal respect from my family and my friends. I have to tolerate all of their weird, and they should reciprocate that.  Even now sometimes my wife doesn’t like it.  Not really because she doesn’t like it, but because she is afraid of breaking social norms and protocols in some situations.  But when someone doesn’t like it, I don’t automatically assume that I should conform to their idea of how the world should be.  This all came to a head when I was asked to attend a dinner with my in-laws that they absolutely insisted required shoes.  Which prompted me to write this:

There is a famous Buddhist story that I like to relate in different contexts. This seems to be a good time. Master Ummon, who was kind of a troublemaker to begin with, was invited to a fancy feast by a prince. Ummon walked into the feast with his beggar’s bowl, dressed in his beggar’s robe, with his wild beggar’s hair. He sat down in the place reserved for him, but he was promptly seized and thrown out. He returned a short time later with his hair combed and in his fine robe he had for state functions. He sat down in the place reserved for him and was warmly greeted by the prince, since he was now recognized. Ummon promptly stood up, removed all of his clothes, and placed them on the chair saying, “Since it is the clothes that are welcome, they can stay for the feast.”, and he left.I think of this little parable whenever someone asks me to wear shoes for a particular purpose. When someone asks me to wear shoes to their event, what are they really saying to me?

“You can come, but only if you wear a mask.”
“What other people might think is more important to me than your authentic presence.”
“If you are going to come as yourself, I really don’t want you there.”

Would anyone think it was OK to ask a Muslim woman to remove her hijab, or a Christian to remove her crucifix, or a Sikh to remove his turban, or a Maori to cover his tattoos with makeup in order to attend your event? When someone is different from you, maybe you should ask questions before assuming someone dresses or behaves a certain way as a simple flight of fancy rather than as an important aspect of their identity and interaction with the world.

I have never asked anyone to wear or not wear any particular thing at any particular time. I cannot imagine doing so. I wonder if I invited everyone to a nudist party, and insisted that everyone be nude, how many people would actually show up. A majority would likely think such a thing uncouth.

All clothing is a costume. I think it’s important to remember that. What costume I wear or do not wear is really none of anyone’s business but my own. If you are ashamed or embarrassed of me, then simply don’t invite me.

So, while I might nor might not decide on my own to wear shoes (or pants) to your event, you should not predicate my attendance on your prejudices. Having thought this out now, should anyone in the future insist that I be required to wear a particular costume or a particular article of costume to an event, I shall simply decline.

“To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Since having this and other extended conversations with the extended family, no one opposes me any longer.

S.S.